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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25808638">I’m drowning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iTookJiminsJams/pseuds/iTookJiminsJams'>iTookJiminsJams</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lucas angst/sick [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), WayV (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Blood, Depression, Doyoung good hyung, Lucas has anxiety, Past Abuse, Sad Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Self-Harm, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas-centric, Xuxi sad, Yukhei Angst, taeyong best leader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:22:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25808638</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iTookJiminsJams/pseuds/iTookJiminsJams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yukhei has never been one to let people down. He has never liked to but now every time he opens his mouth he feels like he’s letting everyone down. He could blame the intrusive thoughts or his anxiety or at least that’s what his rational part thinks, the other, the emotional, the one that counts for Yukhei, is telling him to give up.</p><p>This is a pre-WayV story</p><p>⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️<br/>This book contains topics related to self harm, self destructive thoughts, panic attacks and depression.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung &amp; Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Taeyong/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Mark Lee &amp; Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Qian Kun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lucas angst/sick [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1863784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>182</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Anxiety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Read it at your own risk 😂</p><p>Btw, I don’t mean to antagonize Taeyong here, he’s a fluff ball and a cupcake but he’s also human and we as humans, sometimes we get carried away by our emotions and we act on anger or annoyance etc, and that doesn’t mean we are like bad or mean it just makes us emotional beings and that’s what’s being portrayed here so...no harm intended</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anxiety has been a part of Yukhei’s life since he can remember, the absolutely pressing feeling of fear following him everywhere he goes has never stopped, nor will it stop any time soon, or at least that’s what he’s been told his whole life. </p><p>From everything that anxiety brings to him the thing he hates the most is the overthinking. It’s  not that he’s bothered by the overthinking itself but what it entails because it does not only mean that he would spend sleepless nights almost every day but, it also means that communication with  any other human being is one of the hardest, most complicated tasks he has ever tried to perform. </p><p>The fact that every time he opens his mouth someone will be able to judge him in every way possible scares him to death, so he just prefers not to say anything other than when he’s asked to or, if it’s completely necessary and even then, his brain first comes to every terrible conclusion and possibility before he even speaks a word, and when words come out it just seems like nonsense.</p><p>One would think that the life of an idol, especially when it’s in a different country would be impossible for someone like Yukhei, but here he is, in South Korea with a bunch of other guys trying to achieve the same dream as he is, and he feels completely out of it.</p><p>He noticed the familiar feeling when they arrived at the concert hall, the tightness in his chest, the urge to cry and hide somewhere where he would feel safe. The tingling in his chest telling him to to run away, to hide and never come back. </p><p>He couldn’t do that, he was not about to let everyone down and even more important than that, he was not about to reveal his dirty little secret to anyone. Other than one of the managers no one really knew what Yukhei went through every day of his life so having an anxiety attack right then and there was an absolute no. </p><p>“Breathe...breathe...breathe” was what Yukhei kept repeating to himself. It’s what he had to do, as simple as that, breathe, like every other human being does...right, how do you do that again? </p><p>No, no, he <em>had</em> to breathe, otherwise he would be absolute and utterly...fucked. </p><p>They went inside to start getting ready for the concert and that’s when things started going downhill.</p><p>As Lucas sat on the chair for makeup and hair he noticed his chest getting even tighter, the faces of the makeup artists being so close were starting to freak him out a bit more than usual. He could feel the fingers of the staff running through his head, his face and even through his legs. </p><p>He couldn’t handle it anymore, he had to go somewhere, anywhere but where he was right now. </p><p>The moment the staff told him he was ready he ran to the nearest bathroom, closing the door upon arriving, he wanted to cry and curl up in a ball and so that’s what he did. He curled up in a ball in the bathroom floor while ugly sobs escaped his mouth. </p><p>He couldn’t breathe, he could feel his lungs trying to get all the air possible but it seemed like they were failing to do that simple task. Yukhei was shaking and he didn’t know how to stop it, he just needed to breathe and he couldn’t and at that point, he really didn’t know what to do, so he cried. </p><p>Maybe 5 minutes had passed when he heard a knock on the door and a familiar voice, it was his manager, Dong–Sun, the only one who knew his secret? Yeah that one. </p><p>After half registering who it was he shakily opened the door without leaving his spot on the floor. His lungs still refused to do this thing called <em>breathing</em> and the shaking in his hands had become even worse in the last few minutes. His manager kneeled in front of him and approached him as if he wanted to hug him, but Yukhei flinched. The movement was involuntary, not on purpose, he didn’t mean to but- <em>breathe</em></p><p>He longed for his manager’s comforting touch but his mind and body had apparently decided every human contact meant ‘danger’ and so, even if he didn’t mean it, he wasn’t allowing someone to touch him any time soon. </p><p>“No touching, ok” was what his manager said in the most calming voice Yukhei had ever heard.</p><p>“Can I hold your hands for a second?” a nod was all Yukhei managed to answer, but it was enough for Dong–Sun to gently hold his hands and place them on his chest.</p><p>“Now you’re going to breathe for me ok?” he said while taking deep breaths so that Lucas could follow. Lucas tried, he really tried but it just seemed impossible,. He felt like his lungs were giving up on him and he started to panic again.</p><p>Dong–Sun quickly shushed him and repeated the same exaggerated motion of taking deep breaths, this time, it was easier for Yukhei to follow, not as easy as it would be normally, but he could feel oxygen entering his system and that was all he needed at the moment. The same process continued for at least 10 minutes until Yukhei could finally breathe on his own, the tears had stopped, and he was only slightly shaking now that his lungs had finally decided that they would do their job.</p><p>Yukhei stood up slowly with the help of his manager who gave him a small smile before both of them exited the small stall. </p><p>He walked towards the room he had previously been in and there’s where he found a very, very angry Taeyong and disappointed looking members. Yukhei was confused, what had he done wrong? Then, he looked at the clock, they were 5 minutes late, because of him, because he couldn’t control himself they were now late, he was as useless as everyone said, couldn’t even breathe by himself.</p><p>Yukhei quickly apologised, he tried to explain why he had been late but Taeyong was having none of it. </p><p>“What the hell Lucas?!” Taeyong shouted, Yukhei flinched, he had never seen him that angry. Taeyong never lost his cool that way, was it really that terrible? “So you think you can come and go as you please? Don’t you know this is a job?!” </p><p>Of course, Yukhei knew that this was a job, that it was his obligation but he really hadn’t meant to be late, he couldn’t control it he was just in pain he– “I don’t know about you but some of us take this seriously so if you don’t want to be here then you should just go!!” Taeyong shouted once again, he was so so angry and with every word the boy pronounced, Yukhei just felt smaller, it was as if he was a kid once again, trapped inside those four walls, booming voice vibrating against the walls and he was scared, terrified of Taeyong and he couldn’t really explain why.</p><p>He looked at Taeyong looking for something more than just anger but then “It’s not like you make that much of a difference” </p><p>Silence crept over the room, Taeyong looked as if he had just registered what he had said and Yukhei...Yukhei was pale and terrified, had he heard right? He knew that he was useless but he didn’t think his members thought the same way. </p><p>Taeyong was right, it’s not like they needed him, not like he was essential, he could really just disappear and no one would notice, they would probably do better without him. </p><p>Those were the thoughts crossing Yukhei’s mind at that moment, he could feel the shaking coming back but this time, this time he didn’t run, he just stood there, in the middle of the room, hoping that he could just disappear, for the earth to swallow him and never appear again. </p><p>Then he heard something, a loud and authoritarian “Hey!” was heard across the room but to Yukhei’s surprise, it was not directed to him, it was directed to Taeyong. Yukhei was shocked, why was Doyoung reprimanding Taeyong when he had done nothing wrong, he just voiced what everyone else was thinking, right?</p><p>“Stop that now!” Doyoung said while approaching the both of them, “We are a team and right now, we have a concert to perform, as a TEAM, so get yourselves together and get moving.” </p><p>It wasn’t angry, it was calm and firm, but to Yukhei’s mind, Doyoung was just as disappointed as the rest of them. </p><p>Because of him now the whole group looked tense. Kun had patted his head before going under the stage to somehow comfort him but it did nothing to ease Yukhei’s mind. They had gone up the stage and he moved on autopilot, only smiling when he noticed the camera was close, his legs and arms felt alien to him, his mind was distracted but apparently, his body was completely focused. &amp;</p><p>When the moment of saying goodbye came, he just said “Thank you. I love you. We’ll see each other soon” with the fakest smile he could manage, not like anyone expected something from him, he was just there to complete the choreography after all. </p><p>He didn’t want to interact with the others so he just changed into his clothes and sat in a corner with his phone waiting for the van to arrive. A figure was suddenly standing in front of him. Doyoung, right, he was going to get scolded again, not like he didn’t deserve it but he was tired and he had understood, couldn’t they see that? </p><p>“Are you ok?” Well, that was unexpected, Yukhei had expected anything, ANYTHING, but that. So he just stared into Doyoung’s face trying to figure out what was happening. His confusion must have been evident because Doyoung sat next to him as if assuring him that he wasn’t mad, that was even weirder, Yukhei thought.</p><p>“You know Taeyong didn’t mean that right? He shouldn’t have said something like that, he–“</p><p>“But he’s right isn’t he?” –I’m just a burden to this team, it wouldn’t make any difference if I left– but he wasn’t going to say that, he just left it there, the words unspoken but there.&lt;/p&gt;</p><p>“No, he was not. Don’t you ever think that you are not important to this team, Taeyong just let himself be carried away by his emotions but he doesn’t mean that, do you understand?” Lucas just stared at him, not sure what he should answer. </p><p>His brain was telling him that Doyoung was right, that he was important and that others cared for him, but his emotions, those little voices in his head were telling him that Doyoung was a liar, that he was worthless and that NCT could do a lot better if he wasn’t there. Unfortunately, Yukhei had this tendency of following the little voices and not his brain so he just lowered his head, he didn’t nod, didn’t say anything else, just, left it there. </p><p>He hadn’t meant to, he hadn’t noticed the tears running down his cheeks, he just noticed when he felt Doyoung’s hand on his face, he hadn’t noticed when he had started crying until he felt himself being pulled into Doyoung’s embrace. He hadn’t noticed the ugly sobs that were coming out of him until he heard Doyoung shushing him, hadn’t realised he was shaking until Doyoung started to rub circles on his back. </p><p>He really hadn’t meant to cry like that but apparently, he was in pain, and now he didn’t know how to stop. He was just glad he had chosen to sit really far away from the others, glad that he was in another room so that the others wouldn’t see him breaking down. </p><p>After some time, he was better, the tears had stopped flowing like waterfalls, the sobs had become just soft hiccups but Doyoung was not letting him go, he was still in his embrace, feeling his heat and his heartbeat and his breathing and Yukhei just felt a bit more alive, he was not ok but now he felt like he could breathe. </p><p>He let himself relax while being held in the older’s embrace and he slowly stopped shaking, apparently, all he did these days was shake, he really had started to resemble a chihuahua, but he couldn’t help it, it just happened and he didn’t exactly know how to stop it so he just didn’t. </p><p>Doyoung waited until the hiccups were gone, until the shaking had completely stopped and until his breathing was normal and then he let go, not completely, he still had his arm protectively placed in Yukhei’s shoulder, but he was no longer fully wrapped around Yukhei. </p><p>Then he waited, he waited for Yukhei to speak, he just needed to hear something from Lucas, even an “I’m good” would work for him, he just needed to know that Yukhei was a bit better than what he had been 15 minutes ago, or even if he wasn’t, he needed to know what was going on, Doyoung knew this was not only about what Taeyong had said earlier, maybe that was a portion of the story, but it was most definitely not the whole thing. </p><p>Yukhei opened his mouth just to close it again, he knew he must’ve looked like a fish opening and closing his mouth like that but he didn’t know what to say, or where to start. Finally, he decided he needed the comfort of his hyung once more so he just moved his head so that it was on Doyoung’s chest. Doyoung received it, he played with his hair and waited. Yukhei started: </p><p>“I–I was having an a–anxiety at–tack be–before and I–I really didn’t mean to be, to be late b–but it wouldn’t s–stop and I–“ Yukhei was driving himself into the second anxiety attack of the day and he was <em>not</em> ready for that, Doyoung started rubbing circles on his back and playing with his hair once again, surprisingly, it helped. </p><p>“Oh baby, but why didn’t you tell any of us? We could’ve helped you” the older said while trying to keep his voice as calm as it could be.</p><p>“I didn’t think you’d care, I am already such a burden to the team I didn’t want to add something else to the list” Doyoung was, shocked, had they really given Lucas that impression? How hadn’t they noticed that their dongsaeng was suffering like this? How didn’t HE notice? </p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry, I didn’t know you were in so much pain, I’m sorry” Doyoung kept repeating that, he felt guilty and he couldn’t imagine how Yukhei had been feeling this whole time for him to break down as he had done before, but to his surprise, Yukhei didn’t seem mad at all.</p><p> Yukhei turned his head to Doyoung and gave him the kindest smile, he had seen that smile multiple times, but this one, this one had a lot more meaning into it, it was an unspoken “It’s ok, I don’t blame you” and Doyoung was grateful for that. </p><p>They would get out of this, they had to, he had to help Lucas, he just didn’t know how to.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Bleed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>⚠️⚠️<br/>Warning!<br/>This chapter contains self harm and blood, if that’s triggering for you please don’t read this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Doyoung and Yukhei finally came out of the room they had been in, they were the last ones to leave the concert hall, or at least that’s what they thought because once they arrived at the spot where they were supposed to be picked up to finally go back home someone was standing there. That, someone, was looking at them, especially at Yukhei, with sad, tearful eyes, they were puffy, he had obviously been crying. </p><p>Taeyong was the one standing there, he was the one with the hands inside his pockets and with pain in his eyes, with his face slightly paler than usual and his breathing was a bit more laboured, but that could also be because of the concert. </p><p>Yukhei was way too focused on absorbing the look of his hyung and fully understanding what was happening to notice that Taeyong had started moving towards them, just a step or two, but that was enough for Yukhei to completely focus on what the older was going to say. </p><p>“I’m really sorry Xuxi, I really didn’t mean to say that and, I’m just really sorry,” Taeyong said while tears flowed on his cheeks, he looked like a beaten puppy while he cried desperately asking for his friend’s forgiveness. </p><p>Doyoung had never seen his friend like that, other than maybe the time of the toys scandal, but this, this was different, this was more desperate, this time, Doyoung felt like Taeyong was pouring his whole heart in just saying sorry. He looked at Lucas, not knowing what he was expecting to see, but when he lifted his head to see Yukhei, he saw a sad but tender expression adorning the younger’s face.  </p><p>Yukhei approached Taeyong and carefully wrapped his arms around Taeyong’s small frame, he rubbed the older’s back while whispering sweet words to his friend. “It’s ok hyung, don’t cry, I forgive you, you don’t have to cry” –It’s not your fault that I can’t control myself, you don’t have to cry when you did nothing wrong, saying the truth is not a sin– that’s what Yukhei thought, he was not going to say it, but he knew that all this was his fault, Taeyong crying, Doyoung worrying, all his fault.</p><p> Doyoung had said that he was important but he really couldn’t see how not even if he squinted his eyes really hard could he see what Doyoung was talking about. Maybe they were all lies, maybe his hyungs were just trying to comfort him without telling him the harsh truth. Yukhei couldn’t really tell and at this point, he was completely exhausted and trying to discover whether his brain was telling the truth or not was too much work.</p><p>After Taeyong calmed down, they all entered the van, sat in their respective seats, and one by one the three boys fell asleep, the drive back to the dorms was not too long, 30 minutes maximum, but that was enough time for the exhausted boys to fall in a deep sleep, all of them but Yukhei, he was emotionally and physically exhausted but apparently his brain had decided to stay awake, swirling around useless but powerful thoughts. </p><p>Was he ever going to be enough for the group? What if they get tired of him just like everyone had before? What if...? What if...? The questions kept coming to his mind and he knew that this, like many others, would be a sleepless night. But at some point in the short trip, he must have fallen asleep because he was now being shaken awake by someone, Doyoung? No, it doesn’t sound like him, Taeyong? Maybe. </p><p>Finally, he opened his eyes and the person standing in front of him was...the driver of the van. What? Where had his hyungs gone? Right, they were tired too, they weren’t going to wait for him to decide to wake up, why would they? It’s not like he was that important. </p><p>After confirming that his hyungs had really left him and gone to their rooms, he picked his bag from the floor, apologised to the driver, and walked to his room. The dorm was quiet, they were all exhausted after all, they had probably all gone to sleep so Yukhei decided he would do the same. He was for once grateful that he had a room by himself, lies, not the first time, he thought looking at his wrists.</p><p> Wrists, that, yeah it didn’t sound that bad, he had only cut once in his life, and that was maybe a month ago but he could still picture the blood coming out of his arm, his arm that he had cut, the arm that had been injured because of his hand and his blade but for some reason, Yukhei couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilt, he could only remember how peaceful he had felt that time, he had felt free for once and the thought of feeling that again excited him so he decided he wanted that again, no, he didn’t want it, he needed it. </p><p>Slowly, he walked towards the bathroom, he had hidden the blade there, in the medicine cabinet, at the far, far end where no one would see. He stretched his long arm and easily took the sharp object, he started pulling the sleeve of his shirt when a thought hit him, what if someone sees? He had to be smarter this time, his legs, yes, that was the perfect place, so down his pants went leaving him only with his underwear and with the blade in his hands he cut his skin open, right at the top of his thighs, and he felt the pain, but it didn’t bother him, he felt free, free like the blood that was now running through his legs and so he cut and cut and slashed his skin over and over again and the blood was spilling just like his tears and now the floor was red but his legs were too so he didn’t think much of it, he would clean later, right now he was too immersed in the feeling to stop. </p><p>He cried and cut and the pain he had been feeling until then was slowly dissipating but his head was spinning, he had to stop, so he did. His hand had become weak and he couldn’t hold the blade anymore, the blade fell to the floor and a small chink was heard. </p><p>The world was spinning but the numbness was gone, he was feeling something, even if that something was physical pain, it was still calming, he could finally control something, he could control how many cuts he did, how hard he pressed the blade against his skin and the feeling of control of his own body was satisfying. </p><p>He pressed a towel on his legs so that the cuts would stop bleeding and waited until the world was no longer spinning and his vision was not blurred. He stood up and looked at the mess he had done, sighed and started cleaning, thankfully they had a mop inside the bathroom, otherwise, he would’ve been doomed. After the floor was clean, he had to clean himself up, with some wet wipes he removed the blood from his legs, he placed some gauze around his thighs, and looked in the mirror.</p><p>He was hoping to see something else, he expected to see some answers in his reflection but when he looked, he just found the reflection of a broken boy, he had been broken for years now but he had never seen it like that, or at least not in a long time, now, seeing his face in the mirror he felt disgusting, it was like he was there all over again, dirty, disgusting, unworthy of existing. He started crying again but this time, it carried more pain in it, he shook his head in hopes that the thoughts and memories would disappear and that his tears would stop running free. He dropped to the floor, what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he control himself today?</p><p>“Please please just make it stop” Yukhei whispered behind his tears, he thought that cutting would make the pain go away but it was just momentary and then the pain came rushing back so he curled himself in a ball on the floor so that no one would ever touch him again and so that the demons wouldn’t be able to reach him and he cried. </p><p>It took some time for him to finally calm down, the numbness had returned but this time he welcomed it, he didn’t want to feel pain anymore so he just let the numbness slide inside him. </p><p>After checking once more that there was no evidence of his actions he opened the door. Yukhei walked back to his room with heavy steps, every ounce of energy had left his body by then, he lied in his bed and checked the clock, 2:30, tomorrow was going to be hard but it was ok, he would deal with it later, the worst had passed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Do you know how hard it is to describe a sound? I had to look a dictionary of like, sound names lol</p><p>Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.</p><p>Side note: I’m thinking on doing a Tao (EXO Ot12) sickfic so tell me if someone would like that ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Hyungs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoy this thing I call chapter 😐 sorry for the late update I was battling with this chapter because I didn’t think it was good but anyways, here it is 💕</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yukhei woke up to the alarm beside his bed, his muscles were aching, his head was pounding and his thighs were stinging, in conclusion, he felt like shit. He was paying the price for yesterday night or today morning, however, you want to see it. </p><p>Yukhei tried to stand up, to move, and walk towards the shower but his muscles were too tired and his mind too hazy so he decided he would close his eyes just for two more seconds, just so that the could compose himself a bit. As soon as he closed his eyes again someone barged inside his room, the door made a loud banging noise and suddenly someone was shaking him awake. </p><p>“Get up! We have to go to practice! You need to stop being so irresponsible!”–What? Practice? But his alarm had just gone off and why was Ten mad at him anyway, did he do something wrong again? Probably. He opened his eyes once the door’s bang was heard again. He looked at his clock and he was right, why was everyone so mad he was just 3 minutes late...oh...right...practice was scheduled earlier today, he must have forgotten to change the alarm yesterday. And now thinking about it, practice was scheduled for 9:00, what hour was it again? 8:50...8:50, oh shit.</p><p>He stood up so fast his dizziness actually became worse but right now there was no time to be sick so he ran to his closet and changed into the first thing he saw while thinking on time management, ok, it was 5 minutes to get to the studio meaning he had to be ready by 8:55, yeah, he could do it.</p><p>And with that mindset, he rushed to the bathroom, washed his face, brushed his teeth, bandaged his injuries again and combed his hair, or something similar, and by 8:55 he was getting in the van with Ten. He sighed, he really didn’t know how he had managed to do that but now that the adrenaline was gone he was starting to feel the stinging pain in his thighs and the dizziness that had been with him since last night. He brushed it away, he was not in the place to feel bad, he was already a burden to the team and he knew his members didn’t have time for him anyway. </p><p>Yukhei was too absorbed in his thoughts to notice that Ten had started speaking to him, he didn’t really catch it all but he did hear what Ten had said last.</p><p>“If you want to throw your career down the drain that’s fine by me but don’t try to drag the rest of us down with you,” Ten said before getting out of the van and inside the building, Yukhei was frozen for a second, then he remembered he was late and followed Ten, not too close though, he didn’t want to upset the older even more.</p><p> He knew his hyungs had been really busy this past month and that they were all tired and that Ten probably didn’t mean what he just said but, what if he did? What if he was already tired of him? He knew he just ruined people’s lives, his dad had left it very clear throughout his life for him not to understand but he didn’t know he was causing so much damage to his hyungs, he thought he had been doing alright, he could’ve sworn his members weren’t tired of him but apparently, he read it wrong again. </p><p>He entered the practice room, left his bag on the floor ignoring every glance that was directed at him and once everyone was ready and positioned on their respective places the music started and he just moved on autopilot, not thinking much about what he was doing, it was as if his body had been possessed, emotionless, he just moved.</p><p> With every jump and step he took he could feel his cuts reopening, he was hurting, but right at that moment, that pain was the only thing keeping him awake, sane, alive. The problem was that with the pain the dizziness had also come back, not that it had really subsided before but now he could really feel it, his head was spinning just like it did last night and he wanted to sleep so bad so when he felt himself falling to the ground he didn’t even try to stop it. He really needed to close his eyes for a second, so he did, he felt his head and back hitting the ground but it didn’t really hurt so he just let the coldness of the ground welcome him and it felt so good he just stayed there, not even trying to stand up.</p><p>Yukhei welcomed the coldness of the floor, he closed his eyes and breathed, ah, this was actually pleasant, he could stay like this forever if it wasn’t for the voices he was starting to hear from afar, what did they want? He was finally feeling peaceful and they were interrupting it. </p><p>He had to open his eyes to see the culprits of the interruption, what he had not expected to see was a bunch of concerned faces in front of him. Why did they look so concerned? He just wanted to rest for a while, he was exhausted, why couldn’t they give him just this minute of peace? Was he really asking for too much? </p><p>“Lucas! Lucas! Can you hear me?” That was...that was...hm, he wasn’t able to tell, well, whatever, he was going back to sleep, he could ask who it was later when he didn’t feel like dying, hah, at least not like he was physically dying, he was emotionally dead already, nothing to do about that. </p><p> </p><p>Jeno’s POV </p><p> </p><p>Today Lucas was, slower you could say, he had come to practice without his usual smile and he didn’t even say hi, it was weird but Jeno decided to not think much about it. Once Black on Black started, his movements started as well, he saw Mark jumping, Lucas and the rest doing their parts, and then it was time for the climax of the song, everyone was dancing but then he saw something weird, Lucas wasn’t quite following the choreo, ah he was going to get a lecture from the teacher later, no wait, something was off, Lucas’ eyes looked completely out of focus, his movements were slower by the minute and then THUMP!</p><p>Lucas was on the floor, unconscious and he had seen it all but he couldn’t move, he didn’t know what do to so instead he just screamed “Hyung!!!!!” and everyone turned around just to find an unconscious Lucas lying on the floor and some panicked members. </p><p>Johnny quickly approached the unmoving body followed by Taeyong, Doyoung, and Kun, he picked him up and started slightly shaking him, Taeyong was by his side, he could feel the leader’s anxiety rising, he himself was starting to feel scared but he had to help Lucas, so he just continued with his previous task of trying to wake the boy up.</p><p> </p><p>Lucas opened his eyes a bit, he seemed to be in pain but more than pain there was confusion in his eyes. “Lucas! Lucas! Can you hear me?” he said but no answer and just when he was about to ask the same question Lucas’s eyes closed once again and then a loud shriek was heard across the room, it was a Chenle. At first, none of them understood what was happening but then, when he followed Chenle’s eyes he saw Lucas’s legs covered in blood and his face went pale.</p><p>What had happened? When was he hurt? Who had hurt him? Johnny just couldn’t understand what was happening, they had been dancing two minutes ago, what had gone wrong?, everything was just too much for him to handle alone, he needed answers from someone, someone to reassure him that it was ok so he turned to Taeyong looking for those answers but he looked just as scared and confused as Johnny...and Doyoung, and Kun and everyone in the room.</p><p>Johnny decided they needed to check the injuries, they had to know how bad it was so that they could know what to do. He took Lucas in his arms and led him to another room where his privacy wouldn’t be completely violated, Taeyong followed them to the room while the others tried to calm the members down. </p><p>Once in the room he lied Lucas down on the floor and started removing his pants, to his surprise, the injuries where covered in some messy bandage that was now covered in blood, Taeyong removed the bandages slowly and carefully threw them on the bin. They picked some towels they usually used to clean their sweat and started cleaning the blood from Yukhei’s legs. What they found behind the blood terrified them, they were cuts, some were deep, some were not, they were going in every direction, one above the other, vertical, horizontal, they were everywhere. </p><p>Taeyong and Johnny looked at Lucas’s legs as if they were watching the scariest movie they had ever seen. How did they allow this to happen? How didn’t they notice? They were supposed to take care of the members but they had allowed Lucas to come to this? Were they even allowed to say they were his hyungs? </p><p>Their minds were racing and just then the legs moved and when he looked up he saw a terrified Lucas staring at them, at his legs, and then at them again. Johnny didn’t know what do, what to say but then Taeyong acted first and in a second he was hugging Lucas and the younger started to cry on his shoulder. He approached both of them and embraced Lucas as well, he was still scared and he still didn’t know what to do but right now, Lucas needed them, and he was going to be there, even if he was a bit late.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Honestly, I don’t really like this chapter, I think it’s kinda...meeeh. I still hope you enjoyed it, any constructive criticism is welcomed. 😊</p><p>Luv you beautiful human beings 💕</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Water</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Adbadabadaba this is really short, I apologize BUT but, I’ll make the next chapter longer.</p><p> I found myself a bit lost with the direction of this story so this chapter is really just Lucas’s point of view of things but I think it’s still important for the story sooo yeah 😅</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yukhei could feel...movement? yeah, he was pretty sure someone was moving him, why though? The last thing he remembers is dancing and then feeling sleepy, but that’s it. He tried to open his eyes, to no avail, it was as if his eyelids were glued together, he didn’t force it then, he was still too sleepy and dizzy to wake up, that’s what he thought until he felt someone pulling his pants down, what was happening, no wait, wait, he was sure he wasn’t there anymore then why was someone pulling his pants down, what were they going to do. </p><p>Yukhei tried moving his legs but his body was limp, his legs weren’t responding, his arms were asleep, why? Where was he? He needed to open his eyes but he couldn’t, was it happening again? No no no it couldn’t be happening again, that’s not- that’s not possible, he had escaped from there so then why was someone pulling down his pants. </p><p>Panic started to fill Yukhei, his breathing...was he breathing? Yes, yes he was, he was breathing ...he was breathing.</p><p>Yukhei then managed to open his eyes and he found no other than Johnny and Taeyong staring at his uncovered legs. What were they staring at? And why did his legs sting? And why was there blood...and...cuts, cuts in his legs, that’s what they were staring at, they were staring at the evidence of his weakness, staring directly in the eyes of his demons and they were scared, he could see it in their features, how their eyes moved up and down, how their mouths contorted weirdly, they were scared, scared of him and his cuts, his blood, his demons...him.</p><p>Yukhei needed to make them stop so he moved his legs, at least he tried to because all he could do was twitch them a little, but it was enough for two pairs of eyes to stare at him. He looked at his legs and then at his hyung’s faces, he analysed their features, their movements, trying to predict what they would do next, would they scream at him? Would they be mad? </p><p>No, they hugged him, why? He was weak, he didn’t deserve hugs, he didn’t deserve love because how could someone love him when he was such an undesirable being, only bringing pain to those he loved but they still hugged him. Yukhei couldn’t understand why but he cried, he leaned into the touch and he cried. “Why?” he whispered. </p><p>“What?” Taeyong answered, tone filled with confusion. “Why...do you pretend to love me?” Taeyong and Johnny were crushed by these words, why did they pretend to love him? Was that what they showed him? They felt the world crushing in front of them, or rather, besides them. </p><p>Taeyong pulled Lucas out of his embrace just so that he could look him in the eyes, just so that Lucas could know how much they truly loved him. “I don’t pretend, I love you, I love you so so so much that is killing me seeing you like this,” </p><p>“Then why did you leave me behind?” Yukhei said looking into Taeyong’s eyes, burning through him “If you love me, why would you leave me alone?” and once again Taeyong’s heart was crushed into pieces. He knew what Lucas was talking about, he was talking about the van, about him not waking up beside his hyungs and Taeyong felt guilty. </p><p>“I didn’t-we didn’t mean to leave you, we didn’t want to wake you so we went to look for Johnny so that he could take you upstairs but when we came back you were gone. I swear baby I swear we never meant to leave you alone, I’m so so sorry” at this point, Taeyong was sobbing, he had never said “I’m sorry” as many times as he had this last two days, something must be wrong with him. </p><p>Yukhei stared at him with gentle eyes, he didn’t want to see his Hyung like this, he could maybe believe him, he could and he would for the sake of Taeyong, he wasn’t going to be the reason for the older’s suffering, not more than he already was, at least.</p><p> He wanted to cry again, he wanted to scream because he was in so much pain, not in his legs but in his mind, in his heart. He was overwhelmed by feelings because if what Taeyong said was true, then it meant that someone loved him and he didn’t know what to do, was that what being loved felt like? he...he wanted...he was happy but he didn’t know how to react, someone loved him can you imagine that?</p><p>He hugged the older members closer to him and he cried once again because he was loved. “We’ll get through this ok? Together” Johnny said to his ear, it was reassuring, maybe he didn’t have to spend his whole life in this hole of misery, maybe there actually was light at the end of the tunnel and maybe his hyungs were the first step to get out of the water.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it, it’s really short, I know, don’t hit me 🥺</p><p>Update info: So, I’ll be moving (?) is that how you say it? When you like change houses😅 yeah, I hope someone understands, point is, expect the next update a bit late because of this. I’ll try and upload the next chapter by Wednesday of the next week so Wednesday 26 but if it’s not up by then it’ll be by Friday. Yup </p><p>Also also, Tao’s sickfic is already up ;)</p><p>As always, luv you beautiful human beings ❤️</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Light</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Guess what...I’m back (SHInee’s back..) ok no but yeah 😂</p><p>I’m going to rant here because there’s nowhere else I can rant so you don’t really have to read this lol so today I noticed I was going back to school....the day after tomorrow like wth, I hadn’t noticed at all like Adgshabsj I’m dying here people. Point is, I really don’t want to to go back to school cause argh anxiety and argh the stress and no, just, no. The thing is I don’t hate school but I don’t like it either, but I don’t want to graduate either so here I am...conflicted af. Anyways that was my rant 😂 </p><p>You can read now 🙂</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The word 'together' was stuck in his brain. "We'll get through this ok? Together" it resonated in his head. Hyung had said it with such confidence that even Yukhei believed it, maybe he would get through this, maybe he could stop drowning, maybe, just maybe, he would be able to see the light everyone always talked about.</p><p>That thought excited him. The light he had been so deprived of for his whole life was finally starting to show itself.</p><p> He inhaled Johnny's scent one more time before finally letting go. Taeyong was still holding his hand while he rubbed little circles on the back of it in a way of comfort, Yukhei appreciated the gesture, it was, indeed, calming. He looked at Johnny and he noticed that he was staring at him asking for something...Yukhei knew what he was asking for, he was asking for an explanation, for a reason, he was looking for answers Yukhei couldn't give at the moment, he wasn't ready to give them just yet.  </p><p>He lowered his head, he knew that Johnny would be disappointed at him for being so weak, for not being brave enough to mouth what was wrong. When he looked up again he was expecting to see a disappointed look, an exasperated expression but what he saw startled him, Johnny was looking at him with fond eyes, his lips were curved slightly upwards and the frown that had been adorning his forehead before was now gone. </p><p>"You don't have to tell us if you're not ready. We'll wait for you, right here, beside you"- beside him? Had he heard right? Someone just said that they would be beside him, wow, he had had more shocks in one day than in his whole life. Today was full of surprises- Yukhei thought. </p><p>Taeyong gripped his hand a little tighter making Yukhei turn to look at him. "Love, I know this is hard for you, but, we need to let the others know what's been going on so that we can help in any way possible. I know it's uncomfortable but I promise no one will judge you and just as Johnny said, we will be by your side every step of the way. You can tell them yourself or we can tell them, whatever you prefer and makes you feel more comfortable" Yukhei thought about it, thinking about telling the others frightened him but he knew Taeyong was right and he knew, deep down, that the other members wouldn't judge him but that didn't keep the intrusive thoughts from filling his mind. </p><p>What if they hated him after he told them? What if they decided he was not good enough for the group and just...erased him from it? What if...?- His train of thoughts was interrupted by a hand cupping his cheeks, it was Taeyong, "No one will hate you, no one will judge you, we will love you just as much as we do now if not even more ok?" Ok now Yukhei was sure the leader could read minds, he was thankful for it though, Taeyong's words had helped him calm down and the voices inside his head were now quieter. </p><p>He took a deep breath and decided he would be doing this himself, he needed to prove himself that he could do it, that he could be brave for once.</p><p> "I think...I think I want to tell them...by-by...I want to be the one to tell them" why was talking so hard suddenly? He had literally just said he wanted to do it himself but now he was doubting his speaking ability would allow him to. Taeyong and Johnny both gave him reassuring glances and the leader gave a slight squeeze to his hand before kissing his forehead. </p><p>Before going out to his mission though, he had to get dressed, yes, he was still half-naked, or well, he was only in his underwear, and his cuts were still visible, and the blood was still there...conclusion: they had done nothing but cry in the 30 minutes they were there.</p><p>Yukhei slightly chuckled at this, they really hadn't done much but for some reason, he felt completely exhausted. Taeyong picked the towels they had been using before and started cleaning his thighs, Lucas visibly tensed, Taeyong's hands were way too close for him. He hadn't meant to but his hand automatically grabbed Taeyong's harshly, when he noticed how hard he had grabbed him, he immediately took his hand away. He looked at the older with a terrified expression, he was waiting for a slap, a scream, anger, but instead, he received an "I'm sorry, I should've asked if it was ok" Taeyong said while caressing his cheek slightly and giving him a small smile, he too had been shocked by the younger's reaction but after seeing his terrified expression he could only comfort him and reassure him that it was ok. </p><p>"Can we bandage your legs for you?" Johnny asked slowly with a soft tone trying not to startle the boy. A nod was all he received and it was enough for Johnny. Carefully, he wrapped the gauze around Yukhei's legs, making sure he didn't hurt him even more, and once he was done he gave the other his pants. Yukhei was about to grab them when Taeyong said "Can I grab them for a quick second?" Yukhei was puzzled, why would his hyungs want to see his pants? But whatever, there was no harm in letting him see his blood-stained pants, at the end of the day, he had already seen the cuts. He gave the pants to Taeyong and he inspected them for a while before saying "Johnny, didn't you bring some extra pants for after practice? You think you can borrow them to Lucas, these are messed up" </p><p>Johnny quickly made his way to his bags and grabbed said pants, he handed them to Yukhei with a smile and the other received them reluctantly, he didn't really need other pants, his were stained, yes, but he didn't want to bother the older. Finally, he took the pants, put them on, and was now trying to prepare himself for what was coming.  </p><p>Taeyong grabbed his hand and Johnny placed his own on his shoulder, and that's how they went out into the room where the others were waiting.</p><p> As soon as he stepped inside the room, 15 pairs of eyes were placed on him, staring him up and down like he was some sort of weird exhibition. Subconsciously, he backed down a bit until he was practically hiding behind his hyungs. He didn't know how he was going to do this and the what if's had come back to fill his mind, the voices were becoming louder and now Yukhei was starting to doubt his decision was the smartest. </p><p>"Guys, Lucas has to tell us something and I want you to listen to him and understand ok?" Yukhei appreciated Taeyong's gesture, it was nice knowing that someone had his back, figuratively because he was currently hiding behind their backs, but that was beside the point. Everyone gave a collective nod and some hmm's were heard across the room. The 18 boys sat in a circle in the huge practice room they had been dancing minutes ago. Yukhei was in the centre and next to him were Taeyong and Johnny while the others watched attentively. </p><p>"So I-um I haven't been feeling too good lately" he spoke gently with his voice just above a whisper "actually no, I haven't, I haven't felt good for long time now" tears started rolling down his cheeks as he spoke, every word harder to mouth than the other, "I-I didn't know how to, how to handle it anymore so I...I...hyung I can't do this," he said while looking at Taeyong and while the flow of his tears became heavier "You can do it, I know you can. I'm right here ok?" Taeyong said in a soothing voice, he believed completely on what he just said, he just needed Lucas to believe it too. </p><p>Yukhei was now fully supporting himself on Taeyong as he spoke "I've been...I've been cutting myself" the weight of those words fell on everyone's shoulder, even Johnny and Taeyong felt it, they already knew but hearing the confirmation like that, direct and concise had hurt them more than anyone could imagine. Some of the members were already shedding tears as they heard their friend's word but they let him continue. "I felt that-that cutting gave me some control over...something. Cutting was...is, the only thing I can know how far, how deep, how much, it's the only thing I can...” a pause was made, he had to get his breathing under control before continuing “it just gave me peace..." he finally said, he was crying, he knew he was but he didn't want to stop the tears, he had stopped them from flowing for way too long "I know it's not, it's not ok but I-I just didn't know how to handle the pain anymore" Yukhei finished with that. There was nothing more to be said, the rest of the story would be left for another time, right now, that's all they needed to know. </p><p>Ten basically crawled to his side and he hugged him while mumbling apology after apology. He truly hadn't meant what he said and he just needed Yukhei to know that. Yukhei knew that, at least to some extent, so he forgave his hyung. Ten kept hugging him until his tears had dried, he caressed his cheek and said "You know we love you right? You know we would give our lives for you right?" No, Yukhei did not know that but by looking in Ten's eyes, he knew it was true. He hadn't noticed it before but his members truly did love him even if sometimes they made mistakes. A fresh wave of tears hit him and he was now sobbing into Ten's neck. Today was truly filled with surprises. </p><p>The others gathered around the crying boy and in a matter of minutes, they were all in a big pile of hugs. Yukhei felt warm, he knew this wasn't the end of it, this was just the tip of the iceberg but he let himself enjoy the moment, he let himself be consumed by the heat his members brought him and his tears were now happier, his heart was now happier, his whole being was. The memories and voices in his head had transformed into background noise for the time being and finally, his mind was quiet and it was all thanks to his brothers.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it, I made this one a bit more fluffy. <br/> <br/>Tell me if you liked this chapter and what you think of the story so far ❤️</p><p> </p><p>Anyways,</p><p>Luv you beautiful human beings ❤️</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Dad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m back wu!! Sorry for taking so long on updating this but to make up for that....this chapter is longer 😅</p><p>Anyways, hope you like it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After the whole talking thing, the week went about pretty smoothly. The members had assured Yukhei that they loved him just how he was, that he was perfect and that they would get out of this, together, that he wouldn't be alone anymore, and he could be sure they would be walking by his side every step of the way and Yukhei was at peace knowing that the weight was now being shared and it was no longer only on his shoulders. So Yukhei was...as good as he could be, he hadn't had the urge to hurt himself for the past week and his anxiety had been under control, overall, he was ok, not fine, not good, just...ok.  </p><p>They were currently at the dance studio. The choreography they were learning was hard, and not hard as in some members struggle, hard as in even Taeyong finds it hard type of thing so Yukhei was doing his best to get the choreography as perfect as possible but apparently, the dance instructor had decided that he hated everything Yukhei did, how his feet moved, how his hands were placed, the faces he made, everything. The members had started to notice how the instructor cared only about Yukhei’s mistakes, and even if he corrected the others, he wouldn’t be as harsh as he was with Yukhei, no, correction, he was not harsh, he was borderline disrespectful and it was not only affecting the boy’s performance but the other members as well. </p><p>“Can you at least try and get it f*cking right?!!” the instructor yelled once again. The whole team was taken aback by the words he had used but Yukhei had not only been taken aback, he had also almost jumped out of his skin. The loud voice boomed across the room into Lucas’s ears, it had resonated in his eardrums and shaken his entire body, not necessarily because of the sound, but because it was directed at him, because he had done something terribly wrong and that’s why he was being yelled at, he could feel tears pooling in his eyes, his hands slightly shaking and he felt so, so small compared to the loud voice, to the man the loud voice belonged to, the instructor was just like that man, just like another man with a booming voice that would resonate in Yukhei’s eardrums, another man’s voice that would shake his whole entire body and make him drop to his knees, the instructor was just like him and Yukhei was scared. </p><p> </p><p> Suddenly the instructor was too close, too close for him to breathe, too close for him to look up, too close for him to...the cold, hard floor was the next thing he felt, his knees crashing against the surface, his hands wrapping around his own body and his arms shaking with no control. In a matter of seconds another body was placing himself between the instructor and Yukhei, who it was, he didn’t know but he was grateful for the human shield being provided. Another body came too, but this one placed himself beside Yukhei, he did know this body, this voice, it was Doyoung. The oldest’s voice was calming, he didn’t know what he was saying but it managed to calm him down. After some time -whether it had been minutes, seconds or hours Yukhei didn’t know- he managed to catch his breath which he didn’t even know when he had started having trouble to catch but his lungs thanked him for the oxygen. </p><p>Once he stopped shaking he noticed that Doyoung wasn’t the only one next to him, a lot of people were next to him, Taeyong, Kun, Ten, the dreamies, pretty much everyone and that’s when he noticed the ongoing argument between the instructor and Johnny. The oldest was standing as tall as he could, making the instructor look like he was a tiny little ant, nothing compared to what he had looked like just minutes ago. Taeyong and Kun lifted Lucas up and guided him out of the room. Yukhei was still in a daze, everything was blurry and he hadn’t quite processed what had happened, he felt dizzy and like he was floating, like he was not real, like everything that was happening was just part of his imagination, and he started to doubt his reality, once someone had explained this to him, it was called...it was called, ah, dissociation, yeah, Yukhei was dissociating and he didn’t like it one bit, or at least he thought he didn’t like it because at this point everything was so blurry he didn’t even know what he was feeling. </p><p>To the eyes of the other two, this was scary. They had been calling Lucas’s name for a while now and had received no answer. Yukhei was sitting on the hard floor with his knees pressed to his body, his back leaning against the wall and staring into absolutely nothing, it was as if he was not there, as if he had gone to another world Kun and Taeyong couldn’t enter. Kun tried speaking to him in Chinese and that’s when Yukhei looked up for the first time in about 10 minutes, he looked at Kun with a puzzled look as if he was trying to decipher who had just talked and reached for the older. “Yes my baobao, I’m right here, I won’t go anywhere,” Kun said still in Chinese while Yukhei’s hands reached for him, he grabbed his hand and placed it in his own cheek so that Yukhei knew he was there, that he was real and not some sort of trick created by his imagination. </p><p>Slowly, but safely, Yukhei came back to reality. His mind was no longer blurry and the voices no longer seemed like they were far, far away and he could now see with clarity his hyung and ge kneeling right in front of him. To Yukhei’s content, he was out of that practice room...when had he exited the room though? He didn’t remember anything other than the instructor yelling and then nothing. </p><p>Nothing until he heard some voice speaking in a familiar language, not the language the instructor was yelling on, no, something else but he just couldn’t decipher what it was, so he lifted his head and tried to see who was the owner of that familiar but unknown language. Blurry lines crossed his mind as the voice kept speaking, the voice, the voice was familiar as well so he squinted his eyes harder, he had to see who it was, what was he saying, he had to get out of that blurry world. Piece by piece the voice built a face but when Yukhei saw the face in front of him, he was even more confused. His Kun-ge couldn't be there, with him inside that weird place, but then a thought crossed his mind...Was his ge even real? He had to prove in some way that what he was seeing was real that it was not just some sick game created by his mind and so he reached for his ge’s face, he needed to touch him so that Kun could become something more than an idea, but a someone, a person, a real, living, breathing human being. </p><p>The once idea of Kun reached his hand as well and their fingers intertwined, Yukhei’s hand was slowly carried towards the older’s face and when he touched his cheek, Yukhei could suddenly understand the words Kun was pronouncing, suddenly his reality was not blurry anymore and he no longer felt like he was flying in some imaginary world. </p><p>He blinked a couple times before finding answers to where he was, who was with him and how he had gotten there, he could find the answers to all but the latter. Now that he was back, the reality he had been looking for suddenly hit him like a truck, the panic, fear, tears, all came back but this time he just looked at his ge for comfort, he was well aware of the presence of Taeyong in there too but Kun was just so familiar at that moment, he wanted him and only him. Kun embraced the crying boy as he rocked back and forth trying to calm him down and eventually it worked, the ugly sobs became small hiccups and the heavy tears were now just traces of what they had meant. </p><p>They helped Yukhei stand up and walked back inside the studio hoping that the instructor was not there anymore. The moment they stepped foot inside the room, the instructor was leaving and Lucas visibly relaxed just like everyone else in the room. After a few seconds, the stares were suddenly on them and no longer on the door, Yukhei squirmed nervously, not being used to all those eyes staring at him. Chenle approached not so carefully and engulfed the older in his embrace. Chenle was physically a lot smaller than Lucas but for some reason, he felt smaller than the boy now that he was wrapped in his arms. </p><p>After reassuring Yukhei that nothing that happened had been his fault, they decided to call it a day. One by one they stepped inside the van and sat in their respective places in complete silence, they were tired and shaken by everything that had happened that day. What they didn't know is that that silence just opened a door for Yukhei's mind to wander into the darkest, scariest places imaginable. Lucas was sitting at one the front seats of the van, leaning slightly against the door that was beside him. His head was pressed against the window and as the others started chatting quietly between each other, the voices in his head got louder and louder until they were no longer whispers but full-blown screams. </p><p>He had been weak and he had burdened everyone on the team because of that weakness, how was he dumb enough to think that he could be strong for once in his life? The instructor was just speaking the truth, he couldn't get anything right, he had deserved to be yelled at, he had deserved everything and not just today, he has been a failure for his whole life it is just logical for people to get mad at him. As he dwelled in his thoughts he could feel the urge to take the blade once again, he wanted, no, he needed to feel that control again, feel that peace, feel like he was someone and not a something because somethings don't feel pain like he does. </p><p>He directed his hand to his arm and scratched, not too hard so that it wasn't too noticeable for the rest of the members but hard enough for him to feel the stinging pain on his arm.  It was not enough, he hoped that with this, the urge would stop, that it would go away but it just became stronger. The van came to a stop and Yukhei was the first to come out of the vehicle, he told the members that he was really tired, that he would take a shower and then go to sleep even if it was pretty early. The others didn't question him, them being tired as well and understanding that it had been a really long day for the boy. </p><p>He dropped his bag on his bed and sluggishly carried himself towards the bathroom. He turned on the shower and took out his blade that for some strange reason the others hadn't found yet. He looked at his legs and noticed the still-fresh scars and decided he wouldn't be cutting there today, even if it was risky, he was doing it on his arms. He pulled up his pants again and sat on the floor with the blade in his hand, and made the first cut, he felt a wave of relief washing over him and that feeling of control came back to him, tears rolled down his cheeks as he kept cutting. He felt his skin opening below his blade and he was just so immersed in the task at hand, literally at hand, that he didn't notice the door of the bathroom opening and the loud gasp that left Johnny's mouth. </p><p>He heard the door closing and with panic he looked up only to find Johnny with tears in his eyes and a sad expression on his face. How long had his hyung been there? Why hadn't he heard him coming inside the room? The blade dropped to the floor with a loud clang, his vision blurred and without thinking much he pushed himself as far away from Johnny as he could, he raised his bloodied arm to protect himself and whispered "Please don't get mad, please don't hurt me" </p><p>Johnny was taken aback by these words. He locked the door and crouched against the crying boy, rested his hand against his shoulder and he didn't miss how the younger flinched to the touch or how his arms trembled. </p><p>"Baby I'm not going to hurt you ok? Can you look at me...please?" Johnny spoke slowly, careful as to not startle the boy even more. Little by little Yukhei lifted his head to reveal his tear-stained face to the older boy. "You're not mad?" said Lucas in just above a whisper. Johnny shook his head no and hugged Yukhei,, "Let's get you cleaned up ok?" After receiving a weak nod as an answer, he stood up and took some of the gauzes and cream they had in their medicine cabinet, he walked back to where Lucas was sitting and started cleaning up the cuts, he did it as gently as possible but still managed to get some pained hisses from the younger, after, he applied some cream and finally the bandages. Once Lucas was clean, he cleaned some of the blood that had spilt on the floor and threw the dirty rags he had used in a basket so that he could wash them later. </p><p>He kneeled beside Lucas once again, the boy looked lost and confused and it worried Johnny. He lifted his hand to touch Yukhei's head just for the boy to flinch violently, immediately, Lucas lifted his head and started apologizing.<br/>
"Hey hey it's ok, you did nothing wrong yes?" Lucas was shocked, to say the least, he did nothing wrong? But he just flinched to the touch, he just disrespected him by doing this, he was rude, and stupid and-</p><p>"You did nothing wrong Lucas do you hear me? It's ok to be scared" Was Johnny reading his mind? Probably. </p><p>"Are you ok now?" Lucas honestly didn't know, he was kind of dizzy and still shocked that Johnny was beside him. He shook his head no, he wasn't ok he...he didn't know how he was but he was definitely not ok. </p><p>"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Johnny was calm, calmer than what he was supposed to be in that situation but Yukhei was grateful for that. </p><p>He opened his mouth to say something, to explain why he was in just so much misery. After all, he knew that Johnny had noticed how he protected himself from him before because he knew that Johnny knew that that was not normal and it scared him to think that they would discover why he was like that but at the same time he wanted them to know because he was just so desperate for someone's help and comfort. </p><p>He decided that he would tell Johnny but he didn't know how to start, he looked at Johnny looking for some help and apparently he understood. </p><p>"Baby, why...why did you protect yourself like that when you saw me?" Johnny was afraid that maybe at some point he had given the boy the impression that he could harm him but what he didn't expect was what came out of the boy's mouth then. </p><p>"My dad...he-he used to..." tears started rolling down his cheeks and Johnny just took his hand reassuringly, "he used to hit me, every time I would do something he didn't like, meaning, everything” a sour laugh left his lips “I've always been a disappointment" Lucas said it and it sounded more like a question than a statement because his lips trembled and his hands shook every few seconds. Johnny did not expect that, actually, he didn't know what he expected but it wasn't that, because it made no sense to him, it made no sense because Lucas was always happy and carefree and... no one would do something like that to his baby, he was just so innocent and pure and Johnny just couldn't understand how but it happened, because to his father he was not pure and innocent, he was not a baby and he wasn't supposed to be happy and carefree, he was supposed to be perfect. </p><p>Johnny cried, Lucas cried, one in the arms of the other because both of them needed someone, needed comfort and then, a knock on the door was heard. Both boys stood up, cleaned their faces and with one last hug they exited the room. They were met with a concerned-looking Taeyong and Ten. "What happened to you two? Are you ok?" Taeyong said directing the first question to both of them and the second one to Lucas. The boy gave a little smile and nodded, he felt free, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he was grateful to his hyung for that. </p><p>"A man is knocking on the door, he's asking for you," Ten said looking at Lucas. A man? Who could it be? and most importantly, why did he know their address? </p><p>Warily, they all walked towards the door with Lucas on the front. He opened the door and immediately backed off, it couldn't be,  he had run away, far, far away so that he couldn’t reach him. His face went pale and suddenly he wanted to throw up, his legs were shaking and he just kept backing off farther away from the man at the door. </p><p>It took Johnny a few seconds to catch up on what was happening but suddenly, it hit him, the stern-looking man standing at the door was no other than Lucas's dad...and he was coming for him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading 💕</p><p>I didn’t proof read the last part of this so if there’s some mistake please tell me. </p><p>Tell me if you liked it and what you think about the story </p><p>NOTEEEE: the next chapter will be up on Tuesday next week so, Tuesday 22 😊</p><p>Luv you beautiful human beings ❤️❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Run</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As promised, here’s the new chapter. </p><p>I hope you enjoy 😌</p><p>The story is coming to and end sooo try to guess what’s going to happen hehehe</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Warily, they all walked towards the door with Lucas on the front. He opened the door and immediately backed off, it couldn't be,  he had run away, far, far away so that he couldn’t reach him. His face went pale and suddenly he wanted to throw up, his legs were shaking and he just kept backing off farther away from the man at the door. </p><p>It took Johnny a few seconds to catch up on what was happening but suddenly, it hit him, the stern-looking man standing at the door was no other than Lucas's dad...and he was coming for him. </p><p>     -----------------------------------------------</p><p>Ten and Taeyong didn't quite understand what was going on but seeing Yukhei's panicked face and how Johnny stood in front of the man, they knew the person standing in front of the door was no good. </p><p>Ten stood right beside Johnny as the latter spoke with the man, telling him to please, be gone. Taeyong ran to place himself next to Lucas. Yukhei was shaking, pale and his eyes seemed to focus only on the man standing by the door, glued to the face of the devil itself, at least that's what he was for Yukhei. </p><p>Taeyong could feel the fear seeping through Yukhei's pores, the boy was not scared, he was terrified and you could conclude that only by looking at his face. His knees shook and he fell to the floor with a loud thump. Taeyong supported him and kneeled right next to him, Yukhei's breathing started to fail him, everything was suddenly too much but not enough air was entering his lungs and he was hyperventilating. Taeyong held him in his arms and rocked the younger boy back and forth while whispering sweet nothings, he purposefully placed himself in front of Lucas so that he could no longer look at the door. </p><p>"Hyung" Yukhei choked out and it was so quiet, Taeyong doubted he could've been able to hear if it wasn't for the fact that he was holding the boy, "Save me" the words struck Taeyong, he knew now, that he had to do everything to protect Lucas from the mysterious man, he just had to know why exactly he had to protect him, correction, he wanted to know how many times he should hit the man. </p><p>"Baby, can you tell me who he is?" Taeyong said trying to sound as soft and composed as possible. </p><p>"M-my dad" Yukhei.</p><p>His dad? That person he was so scared of was his dad? What? How could someone hurt his son so much to the point where he was terrified of him? What type of animal was this man?</p><p>Taeyong was enraged, to say the least, he wanted to storm off and beat Yukhei's "dad" to a pulp, but he knew he couldn't do that, not because he didn't want to, or he couldn't physically do it, but because he doesn't think Lucas would look at him the same ever again, and he didn't want that. </p><p>Taeyong held Yukhei tighter trying to calm the boy down while protecting him. </p><p>Suddenly, a scream boomed across the room and Yukhei jumped and ducked himself even deeper on Taeyong's embrace. The sound sent chills down Taeyong's spine, it was authoritarian, firm, but most of all, it was scary, it felt as if that only sound could shake you and beat you like it was nothing and now Taeyong understood why Lucas was so scared. </p><p>        -------------------------------------------</p><p>Ten and Johnny had been trying to get rid of the man but soon came to a conclusion that he wasn't moving from the door, and that he couldn't understand Korean at all. Ten had tried to persuade him to go away in his broken Chinese but nothing seemed to work. The man just stood there, not even looking at them but directly at Lucas. </p><p>Ten could sense that Johnny knew more than what he was unveiling so he asked, they knew the man didn't understand Korean so he just asked away. </p><p>"He's Lucas's dad," Johnny said without once taking his eyes away from the one standing on the door. </p><p>His dad? His dad?</p><p>Just like Taeyong, Ten was enraged, someone who could hurt a sweet, kind and beautiful boy like Yukhei was not human, he was a monster. Everything made perfect sense now. Yukhei never mentioned his dad, his mum had come in the picture a couple of times but his dad? Not once. Ten could recall every time someone had asked the boy about his dad and how his face would twist and his hands would shake slightly, at the time, Ten hadn't thought much of it, but now he felt the urge to protect him from this monster. </p><p>Suddenly a loud thump was heard and both, Johnny and Ten turned to look to where Taeyong and Lucas were. They saw how Taeyong handled it, how he hugged the boy and both knew Lucas was in good hands so they turned to their now "enemy" once again. </p><p>"Ten," Johnny said in a low voice, in Korean so that the man couldn't understand, his tone was firm and it kinda scared Ten, but they had more important matters at hand, "My phone is on the counter, call the cops" right, the cops, he had forgotten that none of them had their phones with them but right now, it seemed a bit risky to leave Johnny alone with...that. </p><p>Ten turned to look at the older boy with a concerned expression, what if something happened while he went to pick the phone? As if Johnny had been reading his mind he looked at Ten and said: "I'll be fine". </p><p>He would be fine, yes. Ten ran to the kitchen where the phone was supposed to be at, he looked for a bit before finding it and finally called 911. A feeling of relief washed over him, it felt as if that simple call had answered to every problem they had, but suddenly, another thump and a scream were heard, and this time, Ten perfectly understood what the man said.</p><p>Thump</p><p>"Come here!!" </p><p>And then, </p><p>Silence. </p><p>Ten ran where he had left the others, he got to the door that separated the living room with the kitchen, when he arrived he saw Johnny on the floor, he saw the man speedily walking towards Taeyong and Lucas, he pulled Taeyong by his shirt and sent the boy flying against a wall. Ten was in shock for a second, he had seen that man pick Taeyong up like it was nothing and he looked so small beside the bulky and big man that was now taking Yukhei by the wrist. </p><p>Ten approached both of them and took Lucas by the wrist too, he tried pulling him away from the monster, he really, really tried but all he got was a hit to the head and pain in his eye. He fell to the floor and the last thing he saw was Yukhei's panicked expression and he just felt so powerless but he could do nothing now, his eyelids were closing even if he didn't want to.<br/>
------------------------------------------</p><p>Lucas kicked and moved, he tried to get away, he screamed and shouted for his father to let go but nothing seemed to work, his grip was just so tight, there was no way he would be getting out.</p><p> Yukhei resigned to the idea that he would just have to get back to living the miserable life he had been living before NCT. He looked back and saw his hyung's bodies on the floor and all of it was his fault, he should've never entered NCT, he should've never auditioned in the first place and now the people he loved were injured because of him, and he could do nothing to help them, he just cried because that's all he could do, because he couldn't go back or make his father let go. After all, he was weak, he has always been. </p><p>His father pulled him downstairs while the boy sobbed and kicked in attempts of getting away. His father didn't care, he kept going down and every step they gave, was a step further from freedom for Yukhei. </p><p>     ------------------------------------------</p><p>Johnny was in pain, his head and back hurt, ah, he must've slept in a weird position, at least that's what his fuzzy brain thought before realizing he wasn't in his bed but rather on the floor right in front of the door. He quickly sat up, making his head spin, he looked around and saw Taeyong and Ten laying on the floor seemingly unconscious. </p><p>Worry filled Johnny's head when he remembered what had happened. </p><p>Lucas! Where was he? He couldn't be too far away, he hadn't been unconscious for long right? He felt the urge to go check on the other two boys but Lucas was the priority at that moment, they could really lose him and Johnny wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing that he let Lucas be taken away. </p><p>He stormed out of the apartment and shouted Lucas's name, desperation filling his every word. Sobs were heard from down the stairs and Johnny rushed to where the sound had come from. Never in his whole entire life had he run as fast as he was running now, the stairs seemed never-ending and Johnny could no longer hear Lucas.<br/>
Fear filled his veins, he was running on pure adrenaline while screaming the name of the lost boy. </p><p>Suddenly he saw a familiar figure in the shadows of the night. Lucas. There he was. </p><p>Johnny ran faster and faster until the figure was no longer a figure but a person, with a face, with tears and with...with a knife pressed on his neck.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don’t hate me I love you 😂</p><p>Luv you beautiful human beings ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The End</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So beautiful human beings, this story has come to an end 🤧🤧</p><p>I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. </p><p>I kinda cried writing this last chapter but I promise it’s ok 😂</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Suddenly he saw a familiar figure in the shadows of the night. Lucas. There he was.</p><p>Johnny ran faster and faster until the figure was no longer a figure but a person, with a face, with tears and with...with a knife pressed on his neck.</p><p>--------------------------------------</p><p> Johnny felt as if his heart had stopped for a second. He went from Yukhei's face to his neck, from his face to his neck checking for any signal, any injury, any..... Anything. </p><p>His mind was running 1000 miles per hour but he couldn't think straight.</p><p>His heart was beating way too fast for him to think properly but he had to help Lucas some way or another.</p><p>Think fast, think fast, think fast.</p><p>Suddenly...<br/>
----------------------------------------<br/>
Lucas was, panicked, to say the least. He could feel his dad's heartbeat behind him, he could feel his breath on his neck, his voice on his ears and he just couldn't shake the feeling of dread and terror that overcame him. </p><p>Everything was overwhelming and scary and all he could see was his hyungs panicked face across the road.</p><p>At some point, he accepted the idea that he was going to die that night, there would be no more Lucas, or Yukhei or Xuxi, there would be no more panic attacks and memories wouldn't torture him anymore because he wasn't going to feel anything.</p><p> The idea of dying in his father's hands was somehow, calming, he accepted the reality of what was going to happen, but even like that, he was still shaking and crying uncontrollably.</p><p>The knife pressed against his skin felt cold and firm and it sent chills down his spine. He could feel the small cut that was being formed. He felt blood running down his neck and for a second, only a second, he was scared of dying, but then, then he thought of the pain that he felt would be leaving behind and the fear disappeared, at least some of it. </p><p>He would die seeing his hyung's face, he would die thinking of the beautiful memories he made with the members, but he would also die at the hands of the man who had tortured him for his whole entire life, he would die scared, terrified, shaking, bloody, with tears on his face, he would die knowing that he would be leaving 17 boys behind, he would die, knowing that Jisung and Chenle, at their young age, would have to suffer the pain of losing someone, and most importantly, Johnny would see it all, Johnny would see how his eyes went lifeless, how his muscles relaxed, he would see the blood running down his neck, staining his clothes, he would hear his pained screams and even if the idea of dying was sort of appealing for Yukhei, he was not about to give this man the pleasure of seeing his loved ones suffering.</p><p>Through shaky hands, he tried to push his dad's hands away, to no avail. The man was not only stronger but he wasn't afraid, he wasn't afraid of killing his own child, and that made him ten million times stronger than Yukhei, for the wrong reasons of course. </p><p>Lucas tried talking to him, he spoke slowly and quietly just how his father liked, he tried to tell him that he could let him go, he wouldn't run, but his father was having none of it. He pressed the knife even harder and a pained yelp left Yukhei's mouth. </p><p>He saw how Johnny jumped slightly from his position when he heard the noise, and could sense that his father had noticed it too. </p><p>From the corner of his eyes, he saw red, red and blue lights and hope-filled his entire being. The coloured lights seemed to be their saviour, his saviour. </p><p>He was thankful that they hadn't turned on the sirens, Ten must've explained the situation really well for them to be this cautious...or really stupid, whatever way you wanted to see it, he was going to be saved. </p><p>Apparently, his father hadn't noticed the lights but Johnny had. Yukhei had seen how the older boy's eyes sparkled with hope, he looked at him and both of them knew, that everything was not lost anymore. </p><p>--------------------------</p><p>Suddenly, in the darkness, some lights appeared, red and blue, soundless but as bright as the sun. He suddenly remembered that he had asked Ten to call the police, he thanked every deity out there for making that decision. </p><p>He looked at Lucas and saw that he too, had noticed the lights of hope. They looked at each other and relief washed over Johnny because Lucas would finally be safe, finally breathe properly, he would stop crying and shaking and that man, no, that monster would, soon, be gone forever. </p><p>----------------------------</p><p>Lucas watched, through his tears, how the cars came to a stop and turned off their lights. He heard quiet steps that for a second, only a second, broke the silence of the night. What Yukhei didn't notice was that that mere second had alerted the man holding him that someone was there and maybe, they had chanted victory too soon. </p><p>It was only when the man's grip grew stronger that Yukhei knew something was wrong. Once again, panic-filled his veins, he didn't quite know what was happening but he knew it wasn't good. </p><p>He looked at Johnny for help but noticed that the boy was oblivious to what was happening. The grip on him became stronger and tighter by the second and Lucas felt as if he couldn't breathe. He had to think fast, if he didn't, he might get killed. </p><p>The knife that, up until that point had had a constant and firm but in some way, soft pressure, was now starting to claw in his skin like a wolf would do his prey. Pain exploded through his entire body and he screamed, a bloody, pained screamed filled the silence and Johnny turned to look at him, panicked expression adorning his features. </p><p>Johnny tried moving towards the pair but as he took a step closer, another pained scream left Yukhei's mouth and Johnny understood that he was not going to get any closer. </p><p>Blood rolled down Lucas's neck, staining his white t-shirt, wetting his chest and the feeling was gross, he was going to be assassinated, right then and there, his body would fall on the pavement and there would be nothing more to save and his body would remain unmoved even if Johnny tried to shake him awake, even if he screamed his name over and over again, Yukhei wouldn't wake up and even if Johnny shed tears on his body, he would not respond.</p><p>The knife kept cutting deeper, not in the same place, it had moved lower, almost reaching his chest, it was obvious his father didn't want to kill him right away, he wanted to see Lucas suffer, he wanted to hear him scream, he wanted to see his body go limp little by little, in short, he wanted to torture him for just a few more minutes. </p><p>Johnny couldn't bear listening to another scream and he was sure that maybe an hour had passed since they had seen the police cars arrive, deep down he knew that it had only been a few minutes but with every scream, with every droplet of blood that fell to the floor Johnny felt that time kept going faster, and they were running out of it. </p><p>Sobs could be heard coming from Lucas's mouth and tears left Johnny's eyes. He was afraid that this, the tear-stained Lucas, the sobbing Lucas, the pained Lucas, would be the last expression he would see on the beautiful boy. He was afraid that the last thing he would hear wouldn't be Yukhei's voice talking to him, but pained and agonizing screams. He was afraid, afraid of losing him, afraid of suddenly being 17 and not 18 because he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it, because he knew his whole world would fall apart in front of him and he couldn't handle that. </p><p>He moved, he tried to approach, but yet another scream was heard.</p><p>Suddenly,</p><p>BOOM! </p><p>And both, Yukehi's body and his dad's, were falling to the floor, blood spilling all over the pavement. Johnny went pale, or at least, paler. Could that be Yukhei's blood? Could he be really dead? </p><p>His train of thoughts was stopped by multiple policemen running towards the bodies. They pulled Lucas out and Johnny ran towards him, leaving the man that was talking to him alone, he approached them and everything he saw was red, red blood covering every single part of the boy's body, but then, movement, his eyes fluttered open and his fingers moved, looking for something, someone. Johnny didn't know what Lucas was looking for but he placed his hand on Lucas's. A feeling of relief washed over him when he felt the boy's hand pressed against his, he was ok, he was going to be ok.<br/>
----------------------------------<br/>
Yukhei felt it before he heard it. Something hitting...him? No, it wasn't him, something hit his dad and the grip of the knife disappeared and blood appeared, the pavement did too but he didn't fall alone, weight was being pressed against him and his pained, cloudy mind didn't understand what was happening. </p><p>He was on the floor and the pressure against him was just too much for him to breathe, the injuries on his neck were too painful, he decided to close his eyes for a minute, just for a second so that he could get rid of the pain. </p><p>Next time he opened his eyes he was under the blue and red lights, he was under those lights that at some point he had called hope but something was missing, Yukhei didn't exactly know what but he had to look for it. He moved his fingers slowly trying to reach for that something missing and suddenly that something was no longer missing. </p><p>A warm hand was placed against his and when he looked up, he saw a familiar face, a face that was no longer filled with panic and pain but rather, relief and some sort of weird peace. </p><p>Johnny was what he was looking for, he concluded, it was all he needed at that moment...and a couple of stitches, and probably a psychologist, yes, but that would be dealt with later. </p><p>---------------------------------</p><p>*3 months later* </p><p>It had been 3 months since the terrible incident and life was pretty decent. Yukhei and Johnny were seeing a psychologist, the latter per request of his family and the other members. Yukhei's neck had a couple of scars here and there but they weren't too noticeable.</p><p>Nightmares and panic attacks were still there because well, trauma isn't healed from one day to another but the difference was that now, he had 17 boys to support him, every step, if he ran or walked, or even if he crawled, they would be next to him, running with him, walking with him, standing next to him. </p><p>Thankfully, Taeyong and Ten hadn't suffered big injuries. When the ambulance arrived they had gone up to check out the two boys only to find them both awake and almost running downstairs, towards Yukhei. </p><p>Johnny was ok, he had had a couple of nightmares about the incident but they had quickly disappeared after some time of going to the psychologist. There was still, a lingering fear of losing Lucas, of never seeing him again, or worse, of finding him dead but, he was working on it, one step at a time, and he too was not alone, 17 boys had his back.</p><p>So yeah, life was pretty decent, no, erase that, life was great. Through panic attacks and night terrors, life was great and Lucas couldn't ask for anything better than his members.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Leave comments on what are your thoughts of the story. I hope you liked the ending, I know it’s a bit bland I guess but I still hope you liked it. </p><p>Ps: it feels weird to finish a story 😂</p><p>Luv you beautiful human beings ❤️</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Remember you're loved and even if you feel like even the people who are supposed to love you don't, you have me even if I've never met you, never seen your face or never heard your voice, I'm here and you're not alone ok?<br/>Keep fighting because even if right now you don't see light, one day it'll appear, trust me, it does.<br/>You are a beautiful, beautiful human being. ❤️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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